(ADD: And what's fun is Revlon -- they have those cute marches
- everybody has a good time, and they raise a lot of money - and
they give you those cute gift bags - with free mascara and shampoo
Only you don't have eyelashes and hair - But it's okay, they reassured
me "it has a long shelf life!")
6. So, before Breast Cancer -- you're doing it. Okay, you're
looking - These are mine - Trust me if I was adding, they would
have been bigger.
7. I was flat-chested my whole life - I was -- "Ma, when
am I going to be old enough to wear a bra?" What do you need
a bra for?" " I'm 38."
8. Ya know what's weird? When you have radiation, it actually
gives your breast a perky little lift. Be careful what you wish
for -- I had to ask, "Can you do the other one?" If
I'd known it did that I would have been standing in front of the
microwave all those years!
9. I came in first place in a wet T-shirt contest -- "Here
she is -- Devorah Cutler -- winner of the Santa Monica Cancer
Treatment Center Wet T-Shirt Contest -Whistle-Yeah! Wooo-Yeah"
(I make noise and push boobs together -- Squeeker Squeeker.) My
doctors are great. I am happy to be here. I really am. My doctor,
Doctor Pat, my surgeon, really cheered me up. You get bugged cause
everytime you mention you had breast cancer -- people look at
your chest - Doctor Pat's advice, her Advice - "Put in a
little squeakier toy - mess with their minds (or Just fuck with
10. When you get cancer - things change - it's weird, you know,
your perspective really changes -- So BC, that's before cancer,
you bound out of bed, race to the computer, write two scripts,
negotiate four deals, rewrite one of your scripts - all before
seven AM. P.C. Post cancer -- You wake up - You're done for the
day. You've really accomplished something. And if you have any
time left over -- (You ---- joke? Or act out?)
11. And those lists - fifty important things to do - everyone's
got them - fifty important things to do today - - Top of your
list, very, very top - Fuck it
Number two after that - Fuck
12. Everybody's been great and they are really trying. But you
realize along the way that you are not recovering from Cancer
- you're recovering from idiots! Terminally stupid people. And
doctors are at the top of the list, right. Okay, some doctors
13. First, your new best friend, the proctologist -- while you're
laying there and she has her finger in parts you'd rather never
anyone see" (ACT OUT) - "so
How would you feel about - taking a look at the script
I just finished
14. And the first thing - don't just rely on your doctors - self
examination! Saved my life!! I mean really, they spend billions
of dollars on those machines -- (ACT OUT using mike as dousing
stick with Geiger Counter noise) "I think I see something,
yes, yes, she has nice coopers ligaments - that's the thing that
holds breast up -- we're getting closer, yes, looking a little
suspicious - yes!!! We found the lump in the oatmeal."
15. I am grateful -we caught it early - but initially they missed
it!!! My first doctor told me I just had lumpy breasts. Sometimes
I think I would have been diagnosed earlier if they had been using
a forked twig or dousing stick - "The main thing is to grasp
the instrument correctly. Place your hands close together in front
of you, palms up and thumbs outward. Rest the branches of your
twig across your fingers. Bend your fingers up - IF you have a
good springy twig, you're Y-shaped twig will suddenly jump, dipping
towards you - that's what you're looking for - the dousing reaction.
That's using your psychic powers!"
16. God love 'em - My favorite technology - very effective -
these two fingers -- This is what saved my life
machines - negative - these two fingers - positively fun!!! Now
I say to my husband - "ya want to play doctor tonight?"
17. And some people still think a mammogram is something that
a son sends his mother and a sonogram is what a son sends her
They are trying! Mom, I am staying in touch, I sent you a mammogram!
18. And sometimes, no matter how sensitive they are - it's hard
- Like your oncologist, okay, looks like Doctor Quinn Medicine
woman, you're bald and she has hair down to here -- How dare she?
19. Your Oncologist actually gives you marijuana - only it's
in pill form - I burned myself trying to smoke it (ACT OUT TRYING
TO SMOKE - "Oww shit, how'd do ya----")
20. Sometimes in hospitals you end up with Nurse Ratchett - Have
you seen some of these people that are working with cancer patients?
She's Korean, first Sargent in charge of scheduling. "Oh,
here comes Little Miss Charmed Life. She little bit late to appointment.
Oh she's tired
radiation tires her out - oh so she's late,
Little Miss Charmed life. She have little bit of cancer - Oh poor
Little Miss Charmed Life - her husband get her flowers - my husband
never get me flowers ever - Little Miss Charmed Life - I think
we just give you extra dose of radiation-Let's just turn that
Your country bombed my country - (And this is for
Hiroshima) AHHHHH!" (Okay, this could be offensive, but try
it, get as outrageous as you can -- just to keep yourself laughing!)
21. And better get to your chemo early, cause all the good movies
are taken by the end of the day."So, Rose, what are we watching
today?" "HMMM, well in room A, 'Brian's Song' -- Room
B, 'Terms of Endearment'" " ROSE!!!" "Well,
some of us are watching 'Titantic' -- They all die, but they don't
have cancer!" (Lightly musing) Very comforting!!!
22. It's weird, women get competitive with each other on the
cancer ward. I'm sitting there next to other balding women, listening
to the headset my mom gave me with the bird trills - and I notice
that the woman next to me - her hair is growing out faster than
mine - That Rogaine Whore!
23. And you know what's scary -- the most honest, were the Jehovah
Witnesses - they came to my door - I told them - "I have
cancer." "Here's a watchtower - read it fast!"
24. It's important to have a supportive husband, a supportive
anyone. I love him. I caught my husband crying one day - "Honey,
I'm gonna be fine." "Not you, Joe Torrey, the Yankee
Manager has Prostate Cancer." "I'm your wife, I have
cancer." "Yeah, but you're not going to lose the pennant."
"Are you gonna leave me over this?" "No, I'd never
do that, you're heavily insured!"
25. So, remember to touch yourself, and if you're a guy, do it
as a consenting adult -
26. You're been great!! Thank you!!! My daddy always said, "What
doesn't kill you can only make you funnier."
27. And for me, every day is a good hair
day - I have some! Thank you very much - I'm Devorah Cutler-Rubenstein!!!
Cancer - Set V |