Breast Cancer - Set V | Comedy Skits | Judy Carter.com
BREAST CANCER - SET V - EIGHT MINUTES
1. I'm Devo Cutler… writer/producer/director… breast cancer survivor…Welcome to the comedy!!!
2. People say, "Cancer, wow, that's bad." (or, "Don't look so sad"). PLEEZE… Turning forty in this town is considered a fatal disease.
3. When I first found out, I thought, "Well, I can get really depressed - alright -- or I can get - REALLY DEPRESSED."
4. You know, working in Hollywood, you worry. You think there's gonna be a stigma attached to be a BC Survivor. But you know… the opposite is true. Cancer is in! You're at the top of the A-list. You're hot, and I don't mean radiation. Okay? You're invited to all those exclusive A list parties…
5. I was at one of those Hollywood parties and Cher comes up to me and she says, "You know your hair is soooo cute! Who did you?" -- Cedar's Sinai "Is it hard to get an appointment?"
(ADD: And what's fun is Revlon -- they have those cute marches - everybody has a good time, and they raise a lot of money - and they give you those cute gift bags - with free mascara and shampoo… Only you don't have eyelashes and hair - But it's okay, they reassured me "it has a long shelf life!")
6. So, before Breast Cancer -- you're doing it. Okay, you're looking - These are mine - Trust me if I was adding, they would have been bigger.
7. I was flat-chested my whole life - I was -- "Ma, when am I going to be old enough to wear a bra?" What do you need a bra for?" " I'm 38."
8. Ya know what's weird? When you have radiation, it actually gives your breast a perky little lift. Be careful what you wish for -- I had to ask, "Can you do the other one?" If I'd known it did that I would have been standing in front of the microwave all those years!
9. I came in first place in a wet T-shirt contest -- "Here she is -- Devorah Cutler -- winner of the Santa Monica Cancer Treatment Center Wet T-Shirt Contest -Whistle-Yeah! Wooo-Yeah" (I make noise and push boobs together -- Squeeker Squeeker.) My doctors are great. I am happy to be here. I really am. My doctor, Doctor Pat, my surgeon, really cheered me up. You get bugged cause everytime you mention you had breast cancer -- people look at your chest - Doctor Pat's advice, her Advice - "Put in a little squeakier toy - mess with their minds (or Just fuck with 'em!)"
10. When you get cancer - things change - it's weird, you know, your perspective really changes -- So BC, that's before cancer, you bound out of bed, race to the computer, write two scripts, negotiate four deals, rewrite one of your scripts - all before seven AM. P.C. Post cancer -- You wake up - You're done for the day. You've really accomplished something. And if you have any time left over -- (You ---- joke? Or act out?)
11. And those lists - fifty important things to do - everyone's got them - fifty important things to do today - - Top of your list, very, very top - Fuck it… Number two after that - Fuck it!
12. Everybody's been great and they are really trying. But you realize along the way that you are not recovering from Cancer - you're recovering from idiots! Terminally stupid people. And doctors are at the top of the list, right. Okay, some doctors…
13. First, your new best friend, the proctologist -- while you're laying there and she has her finger in parts you'd rather never anyone see" (ACT OUT) - "so… hmmm… feels normal enough… How would you feel about - taking a look at the script I just finished…"
14. And the first thing - don't just rely on your doctors - self examination! Saved my life!! I mean really, they spend billions of dollars on those machines -- (ACT OUT using mike as dousing stick with Geiger Counter noise) "I think I see something, yes, yes, she has nice coopers ligaments - that's the thing that holds breast up -- we're getting closer, yes, looking a little suspicious - yes!!! We found the lump in the oatmeal."
15. I am grateful -we caught it early - but initially they missed it!!! My first doctor told me I just had lumpy breasts. Sometimes I think I would have been diagnosed earlier if they had been using a forked twig or dousing stick - "The main thing is to grasp the instrument correctly. Place your hands close together in front of you, palms up and thumbs outward. Rest the branches of your twig across your fingers. Bend your fingers up - IF you have a good springy twig, you're Y-shaped twig will suddenly jump, dipping towards you - that's what you're looking for - the dousing reaction. … That's using your psychic powers!"16. God love 'em - My favorite technology - very effective - these two fingers -- This is what saved my life… those fancy machines - negative - these two fingers - positively fun!!! Now I say to my husband - "ya want to play doctor tonight?"
17. And some people still think a mammogram is something that a son sends his mother and a sonogram is what a son sends her… They are trying! Mom, I am staying in touch, I sent you a mammogram!
18. And sometimes, no matter how sensitive they are - it's hard - Like your oncologist, okay, looks like Doctor Quinn Medicine woman, you're bald and she has hair down to here -- How dare she?
19. Your Oncologist actually gives you marijuana - only it's in pill form - I burned myself trying to smoke it (ACT OUT TRYING TO SMOKE - "Oww shit, how'd do ya----")
20. Sometimes in hospitals you end up with Nurse Ratchett - Have you seen some of these people that are working with cancer patients? She's Korean, first Sargent in charge of scheduling. "Oh, here comes Little Miss Charmed Life. She little bit late to appointment. Oh she's tired… radiation tires her out - oh so she's late, Little Miss Charmed life. She have little bit of cancer - Oh poor Little Miss Charmed Life - her husband get her flowers - my husband never get me flowers ever - Little Miss Charmed Life - I think we just give you extra dose of radiation-Let's just turn that up now… Your country bombed my country - (And this is for Hiroshima) AHHHHH!" (Okay, this could be offensive, but try it, get as outrageous as you can -- just to keep yourself laughing!)
21. And better get to your chemo early, cause all the good movies are taken by the end of the day."So, Rose, what are we watching today?" "HMMM, well in room A, 'Brian's Song' -- Room B, 'Terms of Endearment'" " ROSE!!!" "Well, some of us are watching 'Titantic' -- They all die, but they don't have cancer!" (Lightly musing) Very comforting!!!
22. It's weird, women get competitive with each other on the cancer ward. I'm sitting there next to other balding women, listening to the headset my mom gave me with the bird trills - and I notice that the woman next to me - her hair is growing out faster than mine - That Rogaine Whore!
23. And you know what's scary -- the most honest, were the Jehovah Witnesses - they came to my door - I told them - "I have cancer." "Here's a watchtower - read it fast!"
24. It's important to have a supportive husband, a supportive anyone. I love him. I caught my husband crying one day - "Honey, I'm gonna be fine." "Not you, Joe Torrey, the Yankee Manager has Prostate Cancer." "I'm your wife, I have cancer." "Yeah, but you're not going to lose the pennant." "Are you gonna leave me over this?" "No, I'd never do that, you're heavily insured!"
25. So, remember to touch yourself, and if you're a guy, do it as a consenting adult -
26. You're been great!! Thank you!!! My daddy always said, "What doesn't kill you can only make you funnier."
27. And for me, every day is a good hair day - I have some! Thank you very much - I'm Devorah Cutler-Rubenstein!!!
