Breast Cancer - Set V | Comedy Skits | Judy
by Devo Cutler & DeVera Marcus & Scott Rubenstein



John and Mary are at a coffeehouse just having finished their respective lattes.

M: Ah, I'm so glad, I resisted the cinnamon roll. I feel so virtuous. Yes. Yes. Yes.

J: You look perfect. A cinnabun isn't going to change that.

M: Umm... Ah... Sometimes, you can't always have what you want.

J: What do you mean?

M: John, Johnny, Jonathan, honey, and pumpkin...

J: It's a bad sign when you call me pumpkin.

M: There's something I really need to talk to you about. Oh, this is so hard!

J: Oh, God, I know where this is headed. Mary, I'm so sorry I forgot to give you the message from your mom. And I know how upset she was, and how upset that made you. I promise --

M: It's not that. It was actually a lucky thing I didn't get back to mom, because my advice would have made things worse. You did us both a favor.

J: Wow. Great. Next time, I'll mess up on the phone number, too.

M: It goes deeper than that.

J: Cool. I was listening to Dr. Laura. I know she says that communication is the key, but sometimes overlooking things and just being in love works. Whatever it is - forget about it.

M: I can't forget about it. It's eating me up inside.

J: It is?

M: I found something that is really, really really troubling me... I've really given this some hard thought; the last two weeks have been some of the - -

J: You found somebody. Your boss, Jean Pierre Pierrrrrrrre? I know he's handsome, rich and smart, but think of our history, doesn't that mean anything?

M: I don't think you understand. It's not that.

J: Good.

M: It's something about us.

J: I love you so much, I'll even go with you to the marriage counselor. There I said it. Marriage. Oh my God. I'd rather get married than lose you. That should count for something. We'll get the ring tomorrow, okay? I'll post the bond. We'll get the license. I'll even have a conversation with your mother, assuming you can get her to speak to me.

M: Marriage? You really want to get married? Then what I have to say is even more important. I love you John, and we have such a freedom in our physical relationship, and we're so playful. And, oh, the strawberry shortcake and whipped cream was a stroke of genius. And that's quite frankly why I didn't have the cinnamon roll. But there is something besides how much I love you that I discovered...

J: What? What?

M: John, um when we were fooling around, I found---

J: That was my sister's locket - remember she used my room when we away that weekend? The different initials were because she used a pen name.

M: That's not what I was talking about!

J: You found something else?

M: It wasn't a change in the consistency, or even a feeling of enlargement or any significant shrinking even. No complaints about a feeling of heaviness. No pain or discomfort or tenderness. No discharge or sudden collection of fluids... But, I -- I--- felt -- I felt --

J: You felt what!? What!?

M: I found a - little - hard --- lump.

J: So you go to a doctor, check it out. No big deal.

M: I found a little hard lump on your testes.

J: What? It's nothing. I'm sure it's nothing... Where?

M: There. (points to his crotch) You know. Your package of love. Your family jewels. Your twin turbos... That's where I found the lump.

J: Maybe it was an infected flea bite or a pimple or something left over from my skateboarding days.

M: I was surfing the web and on the concert to cure website, they talked all about it.

J: They talked about my balls!

M: How to check for early signs of testicular cancer.

J: I'm only 28. Only old people get that kind of cancer. I don't even have a bicycle.

M: No, that's not true, Johnny, honey, pumpkin. It's the most common cancer in men fifteen to thirty-four. Here's the website, and here's a card from a great doctor. And if you catch it early, you have - we have - a chance for a long life together.

J: Wow. Guess maybe I am in a little bit of denial.

M: It's okay. Good chance it's probably nada. So as soon as we pick out the ring and get the wedding license, we'll see the doctor, and you know what sweetheart? You don't have to call my mother.

J: If I don't have to call your mother, maybe I will check it out. (off her look) Okay, just kidding.

M: I love you. I really love you.

John and Mary kissy-face, mushy stuff as we... BLACK OUT!



ABBY, BARB, DELIA and CARL, one very uncomfortable, well-muscled, male research doctor, sit around a table piled high with odd shaped presents. Abby is in her ninth month (and feeling it), Barb is her best friend (a cheerleader who never stopped cheering, even after high school) and Delia (a sourpuss who Barb invited, forgetting what a downer she is). Abby opens up a fancifully wrapped big-bellied teddy bear.

A: I'm so glad you broke with tradition and invited Carl, my best friend since kindergarten. (unwraps a teddy bear) How cuuuutee. Now there's someone else at the party that has as big a belly as I do! Barb, this is so great, really! It's so good of you to throw this shower for me. And you found Delia who I hadn't seen for almost three years. You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble.

D. She didn't go to that much trouble. I'm in the phone book.

B: Yeah. But the rest of us are married and our last names were changed. You're the last hold-up girlfriend.

D: Shows what you know. I did get married, briefly. But I, of course, kept my name.

B: Gawd, if I'd had your last name, I would have changed it as soon as I could.

D: Love you too, Barb! Hey, let's open my present.

A: (opening present) Oh... Oh... Oh... A year's subscription to "Victoria's Secret." How thoughtful. And a playpen. How cool! Thanks!

C: The magazine's from me -- there's a gift certificate inside -- card musta fallen off. My buddy told me that's what you give at showers.

D: Wedding showers. What's she gonna do with a thong teddy?

A: Thanks. It was very thoughtful, Carl. Just shows how much you really know me. Pregnant does not mean no sex.

D: Maybe it should. (points to her gift) See the playpen I got you has wheels that are thin enough, even when you aren't, to fit through doors! You won't have to watch the little rugrat, 'cause I assume you'll be doing more important things.

B: Delia! There's nothing more important than giving a child the love it needs to grow up and be a happy, decent, productive member of our society.

D: Do you actually know anyone that fits that description? Everyone I know is multi-tasking, and a playpen of wheels gives you two free hands.

B: And because Abby's such a loving person, those hands will be cuddling her child, even in your playpen on wheels.

D: Get over yourself. (Turns to Carl) And why are you being so quiet Mr. Research Scientist?

C: I was thinking about breast-feeding.

B: But you're not pregnant!

D: Maybe he's his own guinea pig. I read pretty soon guys are gonna be able to do that!

B: Breast-feed?

A: My OBGYN, Dr. Mannheim, is really pushing for me to do it. Not that I don't want to walk around with two leaky facets and a sports bra - but, not only is it good for the baby, but it's anti-cancer.

D: Have you ever heard of anything that was pro-cancer? Just being a girl you're vulnerable. It sucks.

B: That's how it works.

C: Actually, having testosterone is not a protection against breast cancer. I'm one of those statistics.

B: What?

C: No, it's weird, I do research on fruit-flies, so I don't have much time for anything else, and I didn't think it was anything, but I discovered a lump, I have breast cancer.

A: Impossible. Guys, especially you, a weight lifter, don't get breast cancer.

C: Au contraire, mommy to be, statistically one out of a hundred humans with breast cancer are men.

B: How come I didn't know that?

D: Oh please, you're not even on line.

C: Well, did you know Delia?

D: I don't go to that web site.

C: Maybe you all should. For instance, how often do you examine your breasts?

B: (giggles) I leave that up to James.

C: Yeah, but he's probably looking for something entirely different.

A: How did you discover it?

C: Lifting weights. My coach spotted it while he was spotting me.

D: You kidding. He's one of those?

C: Yeah. Observant! He noticed when my arms were above my head with one-forty pounds. He saw something weird.

A: What do we look for? Especially since I can't have any mammograms while I'm breast-feeding.

C: Ugh, okay... um. Unusual discharge.

A: I'll have the usual discharge. What else?

C: You know, a lump, a hardening, dimpling - go to the American Cancer Society website. Every clinic has those brochures to teach you how to do it. Come on, be proactive. If you don't do it, who will?

B: Jimmy.

C: Most of the time, if you have it checked out, it's nothing. But if it is something, the sooner you catch it, the sooner you'll be doing what to do to live a long, fruitful life.

B: Every day can be breast cancer awareness day.

D: Right.... Feel up a friend.

A: Cake first!

Breast Cancer - Set V | Comedy Skits | Judy


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